My fat purple veggie

nataliedee.com

THIS. This is my current wallpaper for my desktop. This adorable fat purple thing, in case if you don't know, it's a Brinjal/Eggplant. I love you Aubergine! You sound really cute.

I'm going to take away my Twitter application in FB, too irritating. It is a great invention, both, but I prefer tweeting more. Ok I don't want to continue, this is getting boring. Bottom line, so that means I will be less active in FB, but who cares luh.

Pam's head is on the table again, once again. Joy is nodding away, watching Mika in his underpants dancing in his bedroom. Ok I'm going to peer over to her side. Bye.

Change of my pillar of strength

I had a really good time talking to Jojo the other night. It's good that I have someone to relate to. I felt better, best of all, after that talk because most of the time to others, I'm just telling and describing to them how I feel. But with her, she knows what I'm feeling because we are in the same situation. And we'd realise we feel the same way about it, and we're not alone.

"Think of your accomplishments, how long has it been since you cried. the rush of blood to your ears was not as strong as before. We've changed from tears to taking in of deep breaths when we see anything that reminds us of them. We're able to smile when we see a note written by him, or a gift from him, instead of crying our eyes swollen."

"New experience with new people brings new memories. You should still go to the places you both went to, go with our friends, do the things you both used to do, eat the same food you both used to eat. Have new memories of the place, let it replace the old one."

It will be much easier now when we have each other. We're no more tattered and torn, we are no more crying. We are now going through a whole new experience without them in our lives.

It's good really, it's all good, from the bottom of my heart. I feel happy whenever someone comes up to me telling me that I'm so strong. Thinking back, I would have it easier if I've let my heart die earlier, it was the closure that I needed. But now it doesn't matter anymore, I still moved on in the end.

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Clean water technology lecture is boring me. Pam's head is already down on the table, luckily I have my laptop with me, if not mine would be on the table as well.

Saw this on Casper's tweet. It's good isn't it? Very creative I would say.

Gave more recieved much less

toothpastefordinner

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"Burn the book of love you've been using these past few years. Don't think of the incineration as censorship. Think of it as liberating yourself from the tyranny of fables that have programmed you to accept less love than you deserve, and give less love than you have to give. And when you're done with the burning, go in search of the brand new book of love.Better yet, write that holy text yourself. A good title might be
"Love doesn't conquer all, but 60 percent isn't bad""

- IS Mag, 24 July 2009

I don't usually believe or even read horoscopes, but I was reading the magazine at Coffee Nations this afternoon and read to Shona hers, I came across mine which I felt was eerily true. I feel exposed, like, hey a magazine knows about my private life and about how I really feel. It's as if it was speaking my mind.

Maybe we should all believe in horoscopes every now and then. Of course not the ones which tells you "Wearing all orange today, the love of your life will find you. Walk north, hear the winds whisper, they will tell you the answers." You will look like a pumpkin and no one would want to walk with you, not even talking about the love of your life.

The wheels go round and round

I was laughing when I saw Shona's tweets about her new driving instructor, she must have had a really bad time breathing in air of the same area with him. As she was learning, he was eating Hokkien mee in the car, and she felt insulted (maybe not as bad if he had asked, "you want some?") But he was also spitting in his food, that turned her off there and then, so no, she didn't want the noodles even if he asked. And he was swearing as much as the A's in this sentence I guess.

She's hopping mad and very eager to change a new instructor. I will hear more from her when I see her again tomorrow. We are going to the slums of Jalan Besar, to visit the two princesses of the three at Petain Road, and to have dinner at good ol' Swee Choon. I just cannot wait!

And I had a very disturbing dream about N last night, it wasn't so bad when I was dreaming, but when I woke up to think about it. I freaked out, it's so weird.

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I was going through the web for creative advertisments for psychology project and spotted some really interesting ones.

Child drug abouse. This is just a weird twist to the nursery rhyme I grew up with. Like, a child choosing to drink coffee over the choice of a Coke. Freaky, this boy must have gotten some mutant genes in him. Or wait a minute, I'm now thinking about the whole benjamin-button thing.

Some thought that came to my mind when I hum this tune now. What do people do with black sheep's wool, to make Afro wigs?

Go google creative advertisments now, find some entertainment!

Oxygen to grow

All the work is never ending. I feel like sitting by the side and just let the work pile up by itself.

I want to be like this plant, happily sitting in the bulb taking in air, sunlight and water to help me grow. But I'd be really bored though. I hope my owner will change my place everyday, so there will be new scenery everyday I can look at different things and explore with my eyes and imagination.

I would like to be a plant which can bear flowers, and maybe even fruits! So that I can give back to my owner for taking care of me. But I'd be too big for this cool light bulb pot. Hmmm.

Happy cherry cake

I just bought new red flats that I've always liked, but never know if it would suit me. But now I'm happy that I've finally gotten them! Strong independent bold romantic red. Now I can get up to dance with Filzah with my new red feet! Let's dance 'cause it's Friday! Oh, I am going to get Bangs this weekend because I feel like doing so. If I feel like it, I'll just do it. Courageous adventurous me! I've refurbished here with font colours page. This feels like a new beginning.

I'm chilling and winding down at Greenhouse. My fellow followers are here too @bombeebee @jianweichen @shnatan @kohjanice @meiqichen. And I adore the bubbly green thing sitting next to me. Green thing, I adore you so much I want to drink you dry now, stay icy cold you!

Hah. I can't believe I typed all those words just now, so.. I-will-conquer-the-world. I'm feeling cranky I just want to sing out loud that I'm good I'm fine I'm happy from the bottom of my heart.

AHHHHHHH.

Sunshine shining on me

I'm beginning to enjoy school. I'm beginning to enjoy my time with all the people here, especially my class boys who are always childish, but happy.

I never liked Wastes classes, but it is just listening and looking at how Mr. Goh behaves, it amuses me so much that I began to draw outlines of him to entertain myself.

I should have eaten Western food just now. Daxino was indirectly tempting me with the plate of chicken and golden fries, couldn't help it but picked on his food. I need to satisfy my food cravings which are coming back, means I'm normal again.

I always feel inspired after reading Filzah's posts, gives me that sense of hope freedom and light. Love you babe.

More than a tweet

I got more to type now, more than 140 words so I'm going to do it here instead of using Twitter. But I wonder if a single soul reads this. Never mind, at least it's said here.

I'm on the roll again. I miss you @bombeebee @shnatan @meiqichen how you would tell me in my face it's over and not stare into blank space again. How you all will snap me out of my thoughts when I think too much.

I thought I had stop crying, but now I feel more sorrow-ful that what it was before. Sigh I disappoint myself again.

The way you want to make it easier,

Dumb. If I speak all those foul words unpleasant to the ear, can S blame me?

No, he can't, can he? He owes it to me but I would never take that for granted even if it's my chance to get back at him or like some say, revenge. I think it's rather dumb. And certainly I am not dumb (I would say) to believe in all his lies, but for the sake that he doesn't want to let me know the truth I understand it's because he doesn't want to make this whole thing even more hurtful for me, but again I'm not dumb, I know those things going on. Cliche, I am a woman, I have instincts.

It's weird that I have to pretend that I don't know a single thing in front of him. I have to pretend I am stupid, pretend that I believe. Sometimes I would think slightly off point, and think I may try to REALLY believe in him. It's good I came back on track. I cannot keep pretending I will go nuts. Maybe deluding makes your life better but no, no no it's not going to do me any good I know. He knows it cannot happen, try, go on try your luck, he will crumble the life of those around him, immature unthoughtful idiot. Poor insight.

I felt digusted with myself when I was in denial, I know the truth but avoided it. Maybe after a year or two, maybe. But no, not now, never. He may not know how much hate and sorrow he introduced to me, the years which were supposed to be the happiest in my life. Looks like it's not but like what they say, 'you will emerge stronger'.

Well, I hope S does too.

What a spy,

I don't want to battle with rotten fruit. It will dirty my hands so you can have it all you want. And oh, be careful of the viruses, you will never know.

I think i want to make this a private page, prevent prying eyes from reading about my life. Read all you want for now bitch, there will be no other time again.

I'd love if it's Christmas

It's been raining alot these few days, it's like Christmas season.
How I wish it's the Christmas season now. I've always loved Christmas season, do you know why?

The light

I know that I'm still hoping, but it will wear off after that, slowly, but it will. I've learnt the lesson that is really disheartening to anticipate something that will less likely turn out your way, very little chances. Stop hoping for a miracle to happen fool, if he's sure that he wants to come back he would have already done so, he would have noticed you were missing yesterday he would have called yesterday. But there was nothing. Stop believing in his excuses, it shows that you just don't mean as much to him as his sleep. Stop hoping for a miracle to happen fool.

I think I'm doing well, few fits of crying but I will be good, better after that. I miss S.
I have to get over tomorrow no crying, control it well you fool.

Step out

I was feeling so confused but now I think that I'm doing the right thing. I cannot be stuck in this anymore, cannot allow myself to continue when I know that in the end I will be seriously hurt.

Why am I still not over S? What are the things that made me go back to him again and again, I can't think of much. Childish procrastinating insensitive irresponsible and mostly, he doesn't make me feel that I am important to him.

There are so many negative things that I can talk about, but why is it that I keep coming back to the same person?

He still likes her, and cannot forget about it. S said he needs the time and will get over her, but he still say things online and keep things there that reminds himself about their whole affair. With all that, how is forgetting and getting over, possible? I cannot pretend I didn't see.

I feel so cheap and avaliable to be there for him when I know that he still has feelings for her, like how I delude myself that he only needs time. But deep down I know myself if he really treasure what we had, he would have done this fast and get it over and done with. I just kept running away from this truth.

He did made it clear that we would take things slowly, if we could work out again. But it cannot happen when the mess is still here. He needs to clear things up, with her, with me. Make it a clean cut no strings attached.

Now, I'm taking a step out myself I'm not going to wait for him to take action, because he never will, will he? I told S over the phone I was moving on, and didn't want to hear from him at all. He did want to remain contact but it will be difficult for me, so I refused. He didn't stop me at all, he didn't say anything to keep me.

The most disturbing thing is that he said if I want to move on, it's my matter, when he wants to get back to me he can do it anytime he wants.

Was that it? So he really did treat me like a toy, he was playing with my feelings when he said he will try to forget about her. Words with no actions I've been through so much of that, too much of that. Make your own decision Koh Ping En, know what is best for yourself don't live to regret anymore further.

TTTTT

I'm officially on Twitter after leaving the registration page on hold for so long.
I think it's fun really. Short and sweet.

Caspero thought of the username for me and I think it's really cool.
Whackabobs sounds really violent, and no, definently not bobalicious. Hah.

I know nobody reads -beyondpassion now, it's okay I will just leave it here to pour out my woes!

@bobgobs, tweet!

Jim Jones

I learnt about Peoples Temple and Reverend Jones incident during Psychology today. Very interesting but eerie at the same time, I didn't know such things happened.

Scary.
Go google it.

Daddy bought back ba chor mee from Lavender. Hmm.

I've gotten my last book. Thanks for the trip, I'm trying very hard not to ask all those questions, understand how I feel.

I'm trying to believe again.

Unbelievable,

The lost look in your eyes helpless and yet afraid to make everything better. You looked at me like a piece of glass falling thinking if you should reach out your hand to save me.

I closed my eyes and looked down. You took a long time to reach out your hand to stop my streaming tears. I didn't dare to take another step forward to wrap my arms around you I didn't want to make things even more difficult I didn't want you to be confused what you should do I don't want to cross the line.

I think I understand now, you're really one unbelieveable person.

The flavour of bland,

I realise that I favour different versions of my favourite foods or things now. And that makes me feel old.

I used to like sweet packet juices, now I find freshly squeezed juices taste better. I liked those tubed egg tofu you get for steamboats, but now I prefer plain white tofu. I used to grab white chocolates whenever I see them in the supermarket, and now I enjoy dark chocolates more. I would pick flavoured milk(strawberry chocolate you name it!) if I have the choice, now I like the good ol' un-flavoured milk. I used to like humour tees and printed tshirts, now I would never wear them again. I used to hate almond pudding and mango would be my favourite, now its the opposite.

I prefer more tasteless things now. Bland simple orginal.

I did this analysis some time ago,

Young kids are like juices, sweet innocent the world is like the playground. Teens go for carbonated drinks shows the spur of energy that they have, adventurous loud. Young adults need coffee to keep them going on working late nights to complete their jobs. Middle age men and woman prefers the good original plain water because they have tasted much. Old grandfathers and grandmothers are like tea, and they prefer tea, like, enjoying old age and reflecting about their lives. There's this dry sweetness in the aftertaste of tea.

And I've realised they get from sweet, eventually to bitter. From the strong to the bland.
It is like life too is it?

Qwerty Phones,

Nokia E71 and E63. Both are oh-so-lovely.

A lot of people have been telling me advantages and disadvantages for these two.

Which one should I get my hands on?

Kris Allen

Kris Allen won! Oh I am still recovering from shock and joy. I am so glad!
You are a white horse now, not a dark horse.